Rest in Peace, “Science Guy”

To be clear, this is not an obituary for Bill Nye ‘77. Rather, it is a lamentation of his new priorities: pandering instead of educating, patronizing instead of reasoning. Like many elementary and middle school students across the country, I grew up with Nye. Nothing could quite compete with the joy I felt when Nye’s levitating head graced the screen of a television from the Stone Age as an abnormally ecstatic man shouted “Bill! Bill! Bill! Bill!” at me. Yet I now find myself compelled to mourn the Science Guy. Twisted by the dark side, gone he is, consumed by an egotistical shell of his former self.

Nye’s newfound obsession with self-promotion as a frustrated genius explaining science to the plebeians (or conservatives, I suppose they are interchangeable terms to Nye and many of his leftist cohorts) is distressing. The title of his new Netflix series, “Bill Nye Saves the World” is only one sign of his ever increasing narcissism. During an episode on human sexuality, Nye spends very little time discussing science and a great deal of time deriding anyone who would dare express any reservation toward what little evidence he uses to justify his claims. “We are of course enlightened and forward thinking, but not everyone sees it this way, but there are lots of flavors to sexuality” Nye announces before playing a crude video in which a vanilla ice cream cone tries to make several other flavors go through conversion therapy so that they too can become vanilla. The video repeatedly mocks the vanilla cone for referencing the “big ice cream in the sky” (because, as you enlightened folks surely know, Christians are stupid and evil) before it ends with the other flavors instead convincing the vanilla cone to convert to neapolitan. Now of course, gay conversion therapy is unacceptable. America at its best is a free society. But what gives the other flavors the right to make the straight, white, cisgendered Christia… I mean, vanilla ice cream completely change who he is?

Unfathomably, the ice cream epic is far from the most backwards, misguided attempt at achieving scientific nirvana in Nye’s 26 minute attempt at saving the world. That honor belongs to actress Rachel Bloom and the least helpful, funny, scientific, insightful or moral “song” ever created.

I’ll refrain from commenting on the dance routine and instead focus on the lyrics of the beautiful ballad that Nye, with a straight face, introduces as “seriously very special.” The lyrics are italicized.

This world of ours is full of choice

True, no objections, go on.

But must I choose between only John or Joyce?

Is she talking about gender identity? Sexual orientation? It’s unclear.

Are my options only hard and moist?

1. Gross 2. What are you protesting? Still unclear.

My vagina has its own voice
Not vocal cords, a metaphorical voice

Fact Check: She’s right! Vaginas do not have vocal cords. Finally, some science.

Sometimes I do a voice for my vagina
Please, don’t tell me I’m the only one who does that

Is this what passes for humor these days?

‘Cause my sex junk, is so, oh, oh, oh
Much more than Either-or, or, or

What? Again, there are absolutely no valid points being made, plus the audience is subjected to the term “sex junk”, so that’s beyond unfortunate.

Power bottom, or a top off
Versatile love may have some butt stuff

Can’t you just feel the wisdom being imparted to young, malleable minds?

It’s evolution, ain’t nothing new
There’s nothing taboo about a sex stew

How is this, whatever this is, related to evolution? Maybe Bill will explain it later (he doesn’t).

Just add salt or Gerard Depardieu
French treasure

I’ll let the lyrical genius speak for itself here.

‘Cause my sex junk, is so, oh, oh, oh
Much more than Either-or, or, or

I felt a great disturbance in the brain, as if millions of cells cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced.

If they’re alive I’ll date them
Channing or Jenna Tatum

Okay, go ahead…

I’m down for anything
Don’t box in my box
Give someone new a handy
Then give yourself props

Be down for anything kids, give a hand job to the next person you see! After all, that’s how you build self-esteem.

(Uptight dude walks in and says) Oh you think you’re so smart
Did you learn gay in college?

To be fair to this not yet woke fella, she has been a little snooty up to this point.

(Bloom takes over again) Chill with all of that while I drop some knowledge
Sexuality’s a spectrum, everyone’s on it
Even you might like it if you sit up on it

So, to be clear, one side is allowed to actively work to change people’s natural gender identity and sexual orientation?

Drag queen, drag king just do what feels right
You’re a tall pansexual, flirty wood sprite

Am I alone in thinking that this could be confusing/disturbing for a child?

Who enjoys a fleshlight in the cold moonlight?
(Uptight guy from before) With a sad clown, skyping via satellite?

There are no words.

(Bloom) Damn, skippy, home slice, sing it with me all night
Sex how you want it’s your goddamn right

Um, as long as I don’t have to hear anymore… No, please, not again!

Cause my sex junk, is so, oh, oh, oh
Much more than Either-or, or, or

I won’t dignify the rest of this monstrosity with commentary. But when the deed was done, and Bloom mercifully ended her song, Bill Nye ran back on stage shouting “That’s exactly the right message Rachel.” Just like that, the “Science Guy” ceased to exist. The children watching learned nothing about science, nothing about anatomy, nothing except to give someone new a handy.

Nye no longer has an interest in educating children about science. He wants to co-opt and misrepresent science in order to see his star rise among the social justice warrior crowd. Prior to this incident, he tried such a strategy with abortion and even suggested that people who disagree with his opinion on climate change should be jailed. Not everything Nye espouses is incorrect. Homosexuals deserve every right to live their lives as they see fit. So do transgender people. Climate change is a serious issue that should be addressed. However, Nye has clearly abandoned any semblance of academic honesty and curiosity in favor of ineffective, condescending tangents about what he thinks. He does not teach, he bloviates. I take no pleasure in saying this, but the Science Guy is no longer with us. He’s with the “big ice cream in the sky.”

5 Comments on Rest in Peace, “Science Guy”

  1. AppleBannanaLycheeman // April 25, 2017 at 3:31 pm //

    More like “Rust in Peace ‘Science Guy'”. Nice Stars Wars reference dood.

  2. Why so mean?

  3. This is ridiculous

  4. Uncle Stanley // April 29, 2017 at 12:10 pm //

    If you watched the first episode, Nye says his new shoe is not for children.

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